Ranking Trainwreck’s Sports Moments

I didn’t know how sports-centric Amy Schumer’s sorta-RomCom feature would be prior to seeing it yesterday. Sure Bill Hader’s character is a sports physician/surgeon and his closest friend in the film is LeBron James, but Judd Apatow goes above and beyond in sports-ness throughout the film.

If you haven’t seen “Trainwreck” yet, I’ll warn you that there are spoilers ahead…but you should have assumed that before clicking. Let’s take a look at the numerous cameos and references that made a generally “okay” movie a little bit better.

10. Hader Sports Trivia

In an effort to distract Amy’s dad (Colin Quinn) while sewing up stitches for him following a fall in an assisted living home, Bill Hader asks him a Trivia question that many sports fans have been asking to kill time or break the ice with for years…

“Which 9 Pro Sports Team Names Don’t End With ‘S’…?”

  1. Tampa Bay Lightning 
  2. Minnesota Wild
  3. Colorado Avalanche
  4. Miami Heat
  5. Utah Jazz
  6. Orlando Magic
  7. Boston Red Sox
  8. Chicago White Sox
  9. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

You’re welcome…for future parties.

9. Amy’s Cheerleader Number

Anyone who tells me that Cheerleading isn’t a sport is dead wrong. This scene is certainly evidence of that. While it also puts the icing on the cake to define “Trainwreck” as a RomCom (like as How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days as it gets), it’s actually a super impressive scene. Schumer said herself that it took 2 and a half months to train for the scene…and at least 10 takes.

The reason I didn’t rank this higher, despite the admirable effort by Schumer, the scene and its conclusion made me walk away feeling like I just watched an Adam Sandler movie. Not a good thing.

8. “Dallas Sucks”, Tony Romo

Tony Romo Trainwreck

Kind of a sleeper in this film is Amare Stoudamire and his handful of scenes, despite being a real focal point to the movie’s plot. It’s awkward and a little dated because Amare isn’t even in New York anymore, but how can you not appreciate a “Dallas Sucks” heckle when Tony Romo is trying to have a semi-heartfelt moment introducing Hader’s character for an award.

7. John Cena “Dirty Talk”

Screen Shot 2015-08-03 at 11.34.46 AM

I’m going to have a hard time looking at John Cena the same way again…and wash cloths.

In an attempt to spice things up, Amy tells John Cena’s character, Steven, to try talking dirty. Cena warns her that he’s not very good at that but he gives it a shot anyway…It goes from talking about “protein” to his best attempt at a cheesy sports movie coach’s inspirational speech. The sad part is that it pretty much summed up all of the cliches Gene Hackman used in “The Replacements.”

6. Hader hitting a shot on LeBron

Hader Shot Trainwreck

I’ll be more extensive in my appreciation for LeBron James later, but I have to give props to Hader first…He takes a beating for most of this scene while LeBron is trying to give him dating advice and blocking every attempt made. It ends with a Hader jumper from the elbow, a weak contest from LeBron, and the ball hitting nothing but net.

I too would give up playing basketball forever if I hit a shot over LeBron James.

5. Colin Quinn vs. Babe Ruth

Quinn Trainwreck

Anyone else wonder where Colin Quinn had been for the last thousand years? The former SNL ‘Weekend Update’ Anchor opens the film explaining why monogamy is dumb to his kids and that kinda-but-not-really justifies Schumer’s “Trainwreck” behavior throughout the film.

He’s living in an assisted living home due to MS and goes on typical Colin Quinn rants whenever he’s on screen. The best of his rants comes toward the beginning when one of the residents brings up Babe Ruth. As a huge Mets fan, he ruins the old Yankee fan’s dreams by telling him that every latin pitcher today would destroy Babe Ruth…who never played against black ballplayers.

4. Amare really likes Tom Brady’s wife

Screen Shot 2015-08-03 at 12.02.37 PM

As I mentioned earlier, Amare is a serious sleeper in this flick. There is (and isn’t) a lot riding on Hader being able to successfully operate on Amare’s knee to get him back playing for the Knicks.

Sidenote: If this is taking place during the NBA season, why is LeBron spending so much time in New York following Hader around?

Anywho, Amare asks Hader how the procedure went and he is told that it was “Tom Brady” good. That prompts a medically drug induced Amare to profess his love and admiration for Gisele Bundchen.

From “I need me one of those” to “I follow her on Instagram”, that single scene was the perfect contrast to the creepy and gross Tom Brady stalking in “Ted 2”.

3. Marv Albert in the Intervention

Marv Trainwreck

While the scene seemed wildly out of place, and even more Sandler’ish than the cheerleader number, Marv Albert calling play-by-play of an intervention curated by LeBron for Hader following his breakup was too good.

Matthew Broderick and Chris Evert were there as well (why?), but that randomness was subsided by Marv doing his Marv thing.

2. Any and All LeBron Scenes

LeBron James Trainwreck

I want LeBron to be my best friend after seeing this movie.

He makes the movie fun by trying to be a normal dude looking out for his “best friend.” You’re not totally sure if Hader feels the same way about the LeBron, but that makes the chemistry all the more entertaining.

And you giggle like a kid when he gets pumped about “Sexual Intercourse”.

1. Hader’s “Client” Namedropping

Screen Shot 2015-08-03 at 12.41.10 PM

I laughed the loudest (and probably way more than the few people where in the theater with me) at this scene, warranting it’s #1 ranking.

While at a birthday party for Schumer’s nephew, Hader gets the “new boyfriend” treatment from the other guys there. Tim Meadows and Mike Birbiglia ask Hader specifically who he has worked on as a sports surgeon and it goes a little like this…

Bill: “Tom Brady…”

Them: “Wow!”

Bill: “Jay Cutler…”

Them: “Cool.”

Bill: “Alex Rodriguez…”

Tim Meadows: “FUCK THAT GUY!” 

Yep. The “Ladies Man” gets the smallest part in the movie, but drops the best timed punchline over the course of 2 hours and too many more minutes.

Can you think of anything else from “Trainwreck” that sticks out to you? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter

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